He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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