I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
