Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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