the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
