Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
