My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
