she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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