connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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