You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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