I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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