Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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