why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
