When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
