Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
