I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
