At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
