The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
