i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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