Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
