My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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