worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
