If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Randomize
