Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
