when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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