i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
