I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Need sex. Gaining weight.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
