i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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