I wish my penis had an off switch
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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