I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
