my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
