I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
