My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
