you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
