He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
