Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
