ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
