dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
