I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize