2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
