So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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