Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Acid is not a monday night drug
found the other keg... it's in the tree
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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