Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
