Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
