My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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