I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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