I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
