Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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