Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
