Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
When are your genitals available?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
