Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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