I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
