You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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