I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
