i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
