On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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