i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
