a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
