peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
