Umm I'm too high to move.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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