UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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