I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
