I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
