She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
