You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Randomize
