I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
