If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
