She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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