I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
it's not cheating when I paid for it
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Randomize
