i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize